


shenanigans in self-torment, by shim changmin

by Finally_Home



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Denial of Feelings, Dry Humor, Fluff, M/M, Self-Reflection, Sort Of, and i tried to make it sound legit, catch me!time period, hence 'crack treated seriously', it's just, it's not really crack but i did write bullshit, okay let me explain, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23172538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finally_Home/pseuds/Finally_Home
Summary: Changmin has a thing for Catch Me!Yunho.
Relationships: Jung Yunho/Shim Changmin, side changmin/victoria
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	shenanigans in self-torment, by shim changmin

**Author's Note:**

> (so do i)
> 
> ((i have no clue what this is but welcome to the word vomit))

Shim Changmin is not gay. He likes women, has had multiple crushes on girls, dated Victoria at some point, still sort of dating her -- he doesn’t know, relationships are weird. Point being, he’s definitely not gay. So why, then, is he having heart attacks over Jung Yunho’s entire existence?

If he was gay for his hyung, he would have realized a long time ago. Yeah, there have been times where he got jealous of other people for talking to Yunho, and times where he couldn’t stop looking at Yunho, and even times where he dove into Yunho’s chest to feel safe. But that doesn’t mean he’s gay for him, no, it just means that he trusts him with his life.

His entire life, heart, mind, and soul. Is he gay for his Yunho-hyung?

“Changmin-ah,” Yunho calls, snapping Changmin out of his internal panic into a whole other kind of panic. “Come on, let’s do it again.”

Yunho’s hair is still slightly wet, clinging to his forehead, and Changmin can’t tear his eyes away. Silhouetted against the light, the barest hint of a smile on his face, a shadow of stubble above his lip -- he looks like a god. He reaches out a hand, and dazedly, Changmin takes it, lets himself be pulled to his feet. He follows Yunho onto the stage, the water trough, as they both affectionately call it, and takes his spot.

Dancing in water isn’t easy, even for U-Know Yunho, and they’ve both fallen countless times. He knows he should be worried - and he is, whenever their shoes slip beneath them - but watching Yunho fall is breathtaking for another reason. A selfish, shameful reason. The way he falls, graceful and fluid; the way his hair arcs up off his forehead; the way he throws his arms out, face a mask of panic; the way he braces himself, eyes narrowed, teeth gritted; the way he lands, shimmering droplets of water flying up to surround him, the harsh stage lights shining down on him, illuminating his entire being.

He’s so beautiful, but the way he hisses in pain, eyes seeking for Changmin, sends a stab of guilt through his heart as he kneels down beside him, clutches his hand, holds on until his knuckles turn white. The medic sprays some sort of numbing spray on his ankle, and Yunho jerks his head just a bit. Changmin stands, pulling him up, holds onto his shoulders as he tests out his step, and then, with a wave of his hand, they’re getting back in position, though Changmin can barely take his eyes off of him for the rest of the shooting.

They’re both covered in wounds by the time it ends, but the radiant smile blossoming on Yunho’s face is worth the pain, Changmin thinks, ducking his head as he thanks the staff for working with them. Then Yunho’s arm is around his neck, and they’re walking back to the dressing room to change out of their sopping wet costumes.

\---

So maybe Changmin is gay. Maybe he’s only gay for his hyung. But that’s okay! It’s okay, because that’s only one person, and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like girls at all. If he didn’t like girls at all, he wouldn’t be texting Victoria about everything that’s going on in his life, wouldn’t have thanked her in their album credits, wouldn’t still be heart-fluttery whenever she smiles.

But he’s heart-fluttery when Yunho smiles too, and it’s making him go insane. He wants to tear his hair out sometimes, not only because Yunho leaves the toothpaste in the goddamned shower, but also because of his embarrassed smile whenever he brings it up. He hates it so much, god, he tells Victoria over text, that this one man in charge of his group is also in charge of his life. He has no right!

‘Sounds like you two need to have a talk,’ she responds. Then, after a pause, ‘You’re… not in love with him, are you?’

‘No!’ He’d never admit it, not to her, not to anyone. ‘I’m never falling in love with someone who forgets to take off his shoes when he comes home!’

The ‘Victoria Song Qian is typing’ banner comes on and stays on, and when she finally sends her message, it’s a long text bubble, a lot of words that he can barely bring himself to process in his current state of mind.

‘Changminnie, I think you need to be more honest with yourself. I know we technically never broke up and I’ll admit I still have feelings for you, and I think you’re the same, or we probably wouldn’t be this friendly at all. But I do think you also have feelings for Yunho, and I think you need to sort them out before we label ourselves again. I’m fine with having an open relationship or whatever, but you need to figure out what you feel first. It’s nothing against you, just… you can’t keep living a lie, okay?’

Has he been living a lie? Each word makes Changmin’s heart sink lower in his chest until he’s left with nowhere to hide, hit rock bottom and curls up on his bed, an oddly empty feeling in his heart. Has he been lying to himself?

Out of a baseless rush of anger, he texts back, ‘I’m not gay’, and shuts off his phone. But is he? The numerous possibilities of the future play like movies in his head. The public exposing him, his fans hating him, his friends turning away, leaving him alone and clutching at nothing. But worse of all, Yunho’s face, twisted in pity and disgust, shaking his head and walking away, and Changmin reaches out to grab him, but the corner of his shirt slips out of his grip, and he’s left alone, truly, nothing but pain and emptiness in his heart.

‘You’re not gay,’ Victoria sends back, because he can’t resist checking. ‘You’re probably bi. It’s not a bad thing, Changmin-ah.’

What difference does it make? He still likes men, then, doesn’t he? Well, one man. One man who’s currently in the shower, belting out the chorus of ‘I Don’t Know’, probably brushing his teeth and leaving the toothpaste in there again. Just the thought of it makes Changmin’s heartbeat speed up, thumping ungodly loudly in his chest and ears. It pains him, almost, and he clutches his chest, wishing the pain away, but it doesn’t. In fact, it worsens, and he lets out a groan, rolling around on his bed.

‘Fuck,’ he texts. ‘Fuck, I think I do like him.’

‘Welcome to the club, genius. You’re the last person to know.’

He’s the what now? The _what_ now??

‘What the fuck? Who else?????’

‘Lol. Like, everyone. Jkjk, but seriously.’

‘Song Qian.’

‘Kyu and I have been speculating.’

‘I will murder Cho Kyuhyun.’

‘Hahahaha. You were the one who made it obvious in the first place.’

How had he made it obvious? When had he ever shown that he was in love with his one and only hyung? Changmin has a strong urge to tear his hair out. In the other room, the water stops.

“Changdol-ah?” Yunho calls, voice muffled by quite a few walls and doors. Changmin yells back, a garbled sound to the effect of ‘huh?’, and something clunks to the ground. Yunho lets out a curse, and Changmin jumps out of bed, yanks open the door, only to come face to face with a mostly-naked Yunho. The expression on his face makes Changmin’s heart skip a beat, mildly surprised but innocent at the same time, and he shakes, stepping back inside his room and slamming the door in his face.

“Changmin?”

“Don’t talk to me!” Changmin trembles so hard he can barely hold his phone. “Don’t-- just, give me a moment!”

“Changmin, are you okay?” Yunho sounds slightly worried. “I’ll leave you alone, but, like, I need to know you’re not dying. Or something.”

He very much is dying. “I’m fine,” he squeaks out, and it’s all he can say before he calls Victoria. She picks up with obnoxious laughter. It’s no wonder she and Kyuhyun are friends.

“He was naked!” he hisses, right off the bat. “He was calling for me and then he was fucking naked in front of my door!”

“Changmin-ah, I’m telling you that you two need to talk.”

“He’s gonna hate me. He’s not gay, not that I know of. He’s going to hate me and we’re gonna fucking--” He can’t even say it. The words get stuck in his throat. “We’re going to break up just because I’m in love with him.”

Victoria’s quiet for a moment. “He’s not going to end TVXQ because you’re in love with him,” she says. “You know why? It’s because he loves you too.”

Changmin’s heart thumps. He feels dizzy. “What?” he says, “the fuck?”

“Haven’t you seen the way he looks at you?”

“No, I haven’t, thank you very much.”

“He looks at you like you’re the entire world, Changmin. You are. You might as well be, to him.”

His heart hurts again, and he lets out a long sigh. “This is my hyung you’re talking about,” he says quietly. “My hyung, my only hyung. The one who raised me all these years.”

“Yes.”

“You’re telling me that he’s in love with me.”

“Yes.”

“And not that he just, I don’t know, not because we’ve been together for so long.”

“Well, that too. Ask Kyuhyun if you’re so unsure. I have to go, the kids need to eat.”

She hangs up, and Changmin is left gaping at his phone. “Fuck,” he hisses. The screen darkens and shuts off. “Fuck. Fuck. _Fuck_.”

“Changmin?” Yunho’s voice sounds right outside his door, and Changmin jumps about a foot out of his skin. “Are you really okay?”

“Y-yeah.” His voice gets stuck in his throat again, and the doorknob turns. Yunho’s since put on a shirt and pants, thank god, but now Changmin’s eyes can’t help gravitating towards his crotch. “Uh. Hyung.”

It’s unfair how good he looks in sweatpants. Yunho hums, sitting down on his bed, right next to him. He subtly scooches away. Yunho unsubtly scoots towards him.

“I heard you talking to Qian,” he starts, hesitating just a bit. “Are you two still a thing?”

He says this while peering carefully at Changmin’s face. He heats up and shoves at his hyung’s arm. “No! I mean, yeah? No? I don’t know.”

Yunho nods, tongue darting out to wet his lips. Changmin wants that tongue in his mouth, wants the feel of his lips on his. Heat pools in his own crotch, and he quickly crosses his legs. Yunho doesn’t seem to notice.

“You seemed spacey during the shoot today,” he says, playing with Changmin’s bedsheet. His fingers are ridiculously long, nimble. The light blue fabric slides between his fingers. “I…” He shakes his head, laughing a little. “I don’t know, I hoped you could tell me what was bothering you.”

A surge of affection warms Changmin’s chest. He can barely stop himself from tackling the other man, pressing him down into his bed and kissing the life out of him. Instead, he laughs too, shakily, and lowers his head to press into Yunho’s bare shoulder. He smells good, like the vanilla-scented body wash they share.

“What if I told you--” He stops, heart beating a million miles per hour. “What if, hyung, what if I said I was--”

He can’t. He can’t do this, can’t go on, can’t tell him. He’d rather die than risk Yunho’s disgust and hatred. Yunho’s fingers thread through his hair, gently. He doesn’t speak, only keeps carding through Changmin’s hair, starts humming one of their old songs. It takes Changmin quite a while to realize that the song in question is Maximum.

He laughs, shoving Yunho hard, and sees a grin on Yunho’s face as well. “Well?” he says, a twinkle in his eye. “You do feel better, don’t you?”

“You’re ridiculous.” Changmin leans against him again, propping his entire face up on his arm. Yunho chuckles, resuming his combing of Changmin’s hair. “Hyung, I’m glad you stayed.”

“I’m glad _you_ stayed.” Yunho’s voice is soft. “I would have stayed no matter what. I hope you can trust me more, enough to tell me what’s bothering you. You don’t have to, but. I would like to know. Help you shoulder your burdens, you know?”

Changmin snorts, eyes fluttering shut. “I don’t think you can help me with this,” he says. “Don’t think anyone can.”

Yunho hums. He does not press the matter, and Changmin does not elaborate. He probably thinks Changmin’s caught up in his feelings for Victoria, the stupid hyung. The thought makes him laugh a bit, just an amused huff, and Yunho huffs as well, dropping his hand from his hair.

After a long while, so long that Yunho might have fallen asleep, leaning against the wall, Changmin says, quietly, “What if I’m in love with someone? Someone unconventional.”

Yunho doesn’t respond for a bit. Changmin almost raises his head to look at his face. “Unconventional,” he repeats, a little mumbly. “What sort of unconventional?”

Changmin takes a deep breath. “Like, like, a man.”

He expects the air to solidify, expects Yunho to tense and freeze up, but the man only hums sleepily. “As long as you like him. And he’s a good person. And treats you well. How long has this been going on? You’re not still dating Qian, are you?”

That was a lot to take in at once. Changmin blinks, slowly emerging out of his haze of near-sleep. “Um,” he says. How would he describe Yunho to Yunho, without him realizing the fact? “He’s-- we’ve been together, not together together, but together, for a long time. He takes care of me.”

He breaks off awkwardly. Yunho doesn’t say anything, but he takes Changmin’s hand between his own, running his thumb along his fingers absently. “Mm-hmm. And what happens to be that lucky man’s name?”

Changmin looks up at him. Yunho’s eyes are soft and knowing, and Changmin drags his face down to meet his. Their foreheads touch; Yunho’s hair falls over his eyes, and he laughs softly, hands coming up to caress Changmin’s face.

“Fuck, hyung,” he hisses, climbing into Yunho’s lap. Yunho laughs, eyes closing, head dropping back, and Changmin grabs his small, small face in his small, small hands. “Hyung, I’m so fucking in love with you.”

“Mhm.” Yunho’s hands have found their way to Changmin’s ass. A lazy smirk rests on his lips, and Changmin tilts his head, puts his mouth on his, and proceeds to kiss the breath out of his hyung. “Changdol-ah…”

“Hyung… ah, fuck, hyung...”

\---

“So you got together after all.”

He slaps Kyuhyun to make him shut up. “We’re in public,” he warns, though his words hold no bite. Kyuhyun knows too, and he cackles, pushing his sunglasses further up his nose.

“So you did, then.” It was not a question. Changmin rolls his eyes; there’s no need to answer anymore. Kyuhyun bursts into laughter, and Changmin feels his face heat up. “Oh, come on, Chwang, it’s hilarious. You’ve been lusting for him since you were fifteen.”

“I have not been lusting after him since I was fifteen.” To be exact, he was seventeen when he first started feeling the not-so-subtle stirrings of what might be lust. “I didn’t know any better back then.”

Kyuhyun only laughs harder. “Well, it ended up well, didn’t it?”

That it did, and Changmin hopes it’ll end up well forever. “You think it will?”

“How the fuck would I know?” Kyuhyun peers at him from above the rim of his sunglasses. “Either you do, or no one does, and at that point it’s up to the gods. But you probably do, don’t you?”

They’ve spent a decade together. Changmin smiles, unable to hide the flush on his cheeks. Oh yeah, he knows.

**Author's Note:**

> hope yall liked that...????? because i really have no clue what it was LOL i just wanted to write smth about catch me!yun and i guess this was it????
> 
> peep me on aff as well


End file.
